days off-

its my first two days off - you seem to understand that mommy needs sleep so after a morning eats, you play silently while i try to catch a few moments of rest. i feel so lucky to have you caring for me as i care for you. our day passes swiftly with bath times, book times, art projects and quick errands in the blazing heat. there are a few moments that stick out to me darling child- the way you race your little bike leaning forward hair blazing -- round, round round the coach you go. the way we dance together on the wood floor to music that varies from kanye west to the jungle book "I wanna be a man- man cub.."-- you shimmy and shake until we are panting on the floor in which you insist on sitting on me and "giddle giddle tickle" your smile voice chimes as you force your little fingers beneath my chin. we laugh, sweat dripping off our foreheads. Shawn of the Sheep was our evening movie - not much talking - yet the brayyinng of shawn set off our giggles. our favorite was 'shawn the farmer' i laughed and watched you cover your mouth with your hands as you laugh aloud. my mind wanders- i wish - wish we could be farmers together- we need a little space/ a place to call our own...it should happen in time. but it feels like soon is an eternity. we make a home of what we have, we are lucky indeed to have what we do - im dedicated to creating a little slice of heaven just for you ---a little soil to get our hands dirty in, maybe even a sheep someday. or a puppy just for you!

so much to ponder

I find my mind continuously rambling on, I busy my hands with the work of a mother, the challenges of a single parent..but my mind will not stop ticking like a worn clock. my body is awake, my mind is reverberating questions but my heart is weary..how does it become so. the time in a day does not hold enough hours to satisfy my list of to-do's nor my pocketbook enough dough to satisfy the I would-like-to's. so i tuck away my girl for the night, reading her " I love you all the way to the moon --- and back" -- my love is endless and so it seems that we have just enough, her & i. i try to embrace the small things, but when i get a thought of the big picture and mental notes of changes that are soon to come via new place, possible new job oppertunites and a need for a blance - i become --- beyond that which can be feared but -rather-- timid. yes, i feel timid and alone. yes those words work just fine-- i am timid at the thought of More change...i want to find a constant - a balance - i want to discover a normal pace -- i just want to be me -

there is so much in my head, i long to know where to begin...but i start with what i have to do, and wish that my dreamliketrancecalledsleep will lull my mind into-- sheer oblivion. peace .rest. breathe....