death cab

its a death cab month, the moments when the dark is to dark - the light to light - the bones aching. nothing but the slow drum of a heartbeat, the reverberating sound of whirring fans, soft feather down and the hum of lack of color. somehow - the days are accomplished, but the moments of quiet cannot quantify my existence. i cannot measure within time the slow droll of time, the ticking of seconds slipping by. I'm Young - the colors on the edge of vertigo.  "this is fact not fiction for the first time in years.." and somehow nothing can  "make me feel any less alone." no company can really make up for the good company i long for. silence is an invitation eased into with death cab, my eyes flutter and breath softens the sheets, as the dewy stains remind me I'm alive, breathing - slipping -- into the state of alternate reality called dreams..

moments on the phone

its the moments on the phone, when someone echos the pain you have felt. expressing the love you experience daily when you look in your child's eyes. its the cool rush of the tears falling unheeded by the world. its the throes of struggle when life just punches you to the core - the slow momentum the high drop - into reality. its the - how do i comfort you when i barely knew how to survive myself. just know i am here, always will be. we are soul sisters, a missing link between struggle and survival. we are the shoulders we wanna lean on after a long day. no man can replace a sisterhood. they say Ho's before Bros. I say i will love my sista' before any mista'.. your life, is much like my own, your struggle one still fresh in my mind. lets raise our babies as friends - who will know no end of adoration and love. I know we give it all, i know we go without - but i want to shout from the rooftop -- be proud mama cause your soaring above the average people in the world. everyone can say we chose - but i would say this role chose us. we took the responsibility and made something of it - when other girls would have ran in the opposite direction. just look how far we have come.. i just want you to know lady mama, you are a bright star in the darkest of nights -- your a little glimmer of something great that the world has tried to mask. just Thank you -- for being you

familiar routine

our routine is so familiar - today was easier than others. i awake, it feels like fall - the light is taking longer to illuminate our world - even the sun is sleepy - but i am oh' so awake. the work out did wonders- my mind would not slow. so the early morning started, my favorite part is you waking up and exclaiming- "oh yay mumma, a buutiful sweeatshurt.." - you are a delight, an absolute - precious -  utmost quintessential love! your smile and adoring nature leave me breathless..thank you, darling - for making my mornings oh - so lovely --' mummy' is truly fortuitous when it comes to my 'M' - my gift..

first day of my life - Bright Eyes

"yours is the first face i saw, i think i was blind before i met you..

this is the first day of my life - i am glad i didn't die before i met you --"

challenges & victories

i challenge myself to be better then what i know - i have discovered that i am greater than even i once knew. it delights me to know that i can find a balance - my mode. i love being a mom, but it is not without its small challenges and brilliant victories. today you practiced being a big girl with your toddler panties - and i struggled to control my fluttering heart and thoughts as feelings overwhelmed my senses. i am weary of moving - but as a refocused i saw you claiming the day with your brilliance - your amazing ability of being independent and strong all in one. you are a wonder my tiny love - a wonder to behold. your brazen spirit allows me to anticipate your growth. i look back on images of you and i - how-- how far we have come darling love. thank you for growing with me - and when the tears fill my eyes - thank you for holding my face in your hands and for pushing away the tears -- "shhhssh mumma" your little voice sooths - you remind me to be still. be still my heart -  my being -- a moment at a time - glory in this..

days off-

its my first two days off - you seem to understand that mommy needs sleep so after a morning eats, you play silently while i try to catch a few moments of rest. i feel so lucky to have you caring for me as i care for you. our day passes swiftly with bath times, book times, art projects and quick errands in the blazing heat. there are a few moments that stick out to me darling child- the way you race your little bike leaning forward hair blazing -- round, round round the coach you go. the way we dance together on the wood floor to music that varies from kanye west to the jungle book "I wanna be a man- man cub.."-- you shimmy and shake until we are panting on the floor in which you insist on sitting on me and "giddle giddle tickle" your smile voice chimes as you force your little fingers beneath my chin. we laugh, sweat dripping off our foreheads. Shawn of the Sheep was our evening movie - not much talking - yet the brayyinng of shawn set off our giggles. our favorite was 'shawn the farmer' i laughed and watched you cover your mouth with your hands as you laugh aloud. my mind wanders- i wish - wish we could be farmers together- we need a little space/ a place to call our own...it should happen in time. but it feels like soon is an eternity. we make a home of what we have, we are lucky indeed to have what we do - im dedicated to creating a little slice of heaven just for you ---a little soil to get our hands dirty in, maybe even a sheep someday. or a puppy just for you!

her

you, my darling child leave me utterly stunned - dazed - and i face a plethera of emotions all which include; joy, enthusiasm, pride, adoration and great appriciation for the light you have cast upon my often weary heart. I watched you spin in circles to the whimsical music, as it floated around your little arms, i gleamed as you flung your head back and smiled as the wind brushed your hair against your tiny glasses. your raw and sheer delight -, in twirling without thought captivates my attention. you draw all eyes to you the moment you walk into a room -- i can only imagine you as a young woman bold, brilliant and full of unlimited potential. i then blink and your little legs are growing, your limbs lengthening your body stretching as you grow centemeters or inches taller, your movements are well developed and your mind a whirlwind of thoughts. vocabulary is getting better, but i still love that you have your toddler accent. "thank you muma" you say to me, or "i'm sorry muma" - i do not know how you are so polite but im proud. you make my heart swell, and my eyes fill with the glistening of tears - pride. you are my pride and joy-- you are the gift of life that has given me - all one could ever wish for - you - her - my girl ---

b.nicole